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Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!library.ucla.edu!csulb.edu!csus.edu!netcom.com!trekman
From: trekman@netcom.com (Gabriel Caffrey)
Subject: Top Ten List Compendium
Message-ID: <trekmanCqI0tr.n24@netcom.com>
Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL1]
Date: Sat, 28 May 1994 06:03:26 GMT
Lines: 3657
These are the collected Top-Ten lists for Star Trek: TNG that I have
found on the net. I just thought I would post them for your enjoyment.
They may be a little messy, as some of the original headers may still be
in the file. Enjoy them anyway!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, the TOP TEN lines from the upcoming TNG episode,
"The Enterprise Stops at Taco Bell":
10) (Troi) I sense... indigestion.
9) (Picard) Don't order the fajitas, Number One, they'll go through you at
warp nine.
8) (Wesley, guest starring) Look, mister, the sign says you get a free "Little
Orphan Annie" cup with any taco salad purchase, and I'm not leaving here til
l
I get one!
7) (Worf) Klingons do NOT eat burritos!
6) (Geordi) I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these chimichangas
we could boost warp power by 27 percent!
5) (Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco) Inconclusive meat readings,
Captain.
4) (Picard) You're on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno sauce
up his nose gets treated to dessert.
3) (Riker) What do you mean you don't serve tokelau here? What kind of Mexican
restaurant is this?
2) (Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on
the history of the enchilada) I do not believe it is physically possible
for me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain.
1) (Picard) When we get back on the ship and you have the conn, Number One,
you'd better not queef on my chair!
the TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
---------------------------------------------------------------
10) ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9) yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
a shuttlecraft
8) screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7) spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
6) lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
life-forms
5) sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
Dick Hertz is there
4) asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
REAL Picard Maneuver"
3) Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2) telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead! Make it so!"
1) putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
beams back up
And coming next week... the TOP TEN Reasons Riker Won't Shave!
The TOP TEN reasons why Riker won't shave:
--------------------------------------------
10) Hopes his beard will draw attention away from his constant silly smile.
9) He and Worf are having a beard-growing contest.
8) It helps hide the faint, hereditary birthmark on his chin that proves
he's a werewolf.
7) Hopes to look scarier to hostile aliens.
6) Starfleet has bridge personnel hair quotas and he's trying to make up
for Picard.
5) He thinks Troi finds it sexy.
4) (seasons 2 to mid-4 only) Didn't trust himself to pick up a can of shaving
cream because the temptation to go and spray it at Wesley was too great.
3) Wants to look more like his hero, Ming the Merciless.
2) Every time he does, Q makes his beard grow back in five minutes as a gag.
1) Picard won't let him fire up his photon blade.
The TOP TEN upcoming episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation
(including a preview of the first TNG movie!)
10) Breeding Grounds - Organian frat boys replace the coffee normally
served on the Enterprise with Folger's crystals spiked with
Klingon aphrodisiacs
9) Electro-Q-tion (alternate title: Q d'etat) - Q endows every Starfleet
uniform on the Enterprise with permanent static cling; the
Captain breaks the record for most shirt-tugging "Picard
Maneuvers" in one episode
8) The Bonding II - Picard accidentally Crazy Glues himself to the table
in his ready room
7) Deanna Does Pallas - while the Enterprise is on a mission in the Solar
System's asteroid belt, Counselor Troi's Betazoid sex drive
reaches its peak
6) Hell Hath No Fury - Keiko buries a machete in O'Brien's back after finding
him on the holodeck cheating on her with a computer-generated
bimbo
5) Globular Mustard - an alien probe of unknown origin pulls abreast of the
Enterprise, opens hailing frequencies, and asks, "Pardon me,
do you have any Grey Poupon?"
4) Embroider at Needlepoint (alternate title: Prose-Q-ting Attorney) - Q puts
humanity on trial again, claiming that it is a savage and
tasteless race, introducing as evidence a really ugly sweater
that Dr. Crusher knitted Captain Picard for his last birthday
3) The Funted - superior aliens sieze the Enterprise claiming that they wish
to study humans, but in a surprise ending reveal that the crew is
really on Galactic Candid Camera
2) Out, Out, Damn Spot - Data's cat gets onto the bridge and spits up a
hairball on Captain Picard
1) Star Trek VII: Up the Creek - Wesley and three of his pals must win a
river rafting race for Starfleet Academy
(this one was billed as a BIZARRE top ten list, I thought it was more
bizarre than silly)
the TOP TEN signs that the Enterprise is crewed by Satan worshipers!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
10) Ship's food synthesizers make only deviled ham and deviled eggs
9) Most common Sickbay complaint is neck cramps from being possessed by
demons that make your head spin around, like in "The Exorcist"
8) Picard refuses to take the ship to any point in either the Northern or
Southern Cross
7) When the Captain's Log is played backward, hidden messages advocating
Satan worship and human sacrifice can be heard
6) A large cauldron, broomstick, and black, pointed hat are prominently
displayed in Troi's quarters
5) Communicator pin changed to magical pentagram shape
4) Riker obviously made a pact with the devil that forces women to be
attracted to him despite his zero personality
3) Forty percent of all male babies born on the ship are named "Lucifer"
2) Universal Translator designed to handle speaking in tongues
1) Picard tried to have the ship's name and registry changed to
U.S.S. Beelzebub, NCC-666
the TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its crew
-----------------------------------------------------
10) All routine maintainence on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas
9) Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom used Jefferies tube by Data
after she insulted him one too many times
8) Riker's parents were Nazis, his middle initial "T" stands for "Third"
7) Troi starts all counseling sessions with male crewmembers by asking
"So, is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you just glad to
see me?"
6) Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale's dancer
5) "Worf" is Klingonese for "pinhead"
4) Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation
"F. Off."
3) Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece
2) Picard is Wesley's father
1) Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father
Well, campers, this week's silly top ten list comes to us from
Waterville, Maine - specifically, from Colby College, where my younger
sister Katie is a freshman. We keep in touch via e-mail, and recently I
suggested to her that we collaborate on a top ten list. She sent the
list that you are about to read as a tentative starting point, but I
liked it so much that I am posting it without alteration. She is its
sole author, and all fan letters, hate mail, and/or death threats may
be sent directly to chkimbal@colby.edu or may be sent to yours truly,
who will forward them to her address when I get back. Don't bother posting
any remarks - she doesn't read rec.arts.startrek.misc!
the TOP TEN reasons Picard won't fire the phasers:
--------------------------------------------------
10) He doesn't know how.
9) He doesn't want to succumb to crew pressure.
8) He doesn't want to lose the women attracted by his sensitive side.
7) He doesn't want to use the same effects as the old show.
6) Emily Post recommends not firing on a first encounter.
5) It saves energy.
4) He is on the holodeck pretending he has a life.
3) He is promoting a kinder, gentler Starfleet.
2) The other ship is probably carrying a relative of Tasha Yar.
1) What would his mother say?
the TOP TEN worries of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
--------------------------------------------
10) Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing
a crew member who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke
9) The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately
8) Crew refers to him as "Captain Chrome-Dome Retard" behind his back
7) That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counselor Troi out
an airlock will become too insistent to ignore
6) Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bejoran V.D. into the Enterprise
population that cordrazine won't even put a dent in
5) Wesley might come to visit
4) Luwxanna Troi might come to visit
3) If he doesn't get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes,
they're free
2) The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again
1) Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll NEVER
be rid of the big dork!
Before we get to this week's silly top 10 list, we have a bonus top 10
list. It was written and sent to me by noel@umbc1.umbc.edu (Noel Tominack,
ACS University of Maryland Baltimore County). I thought it was definitely
worth posting, and so (with his permission, of course) here are:
TOP 10 WORST STARFLEET NAMES AND REGISTRIES
10. U.S.S. Answer NCC 42
9. U.S.S. Pickup NCC 52
8. U.S.S. Satan NCC 666
7. U.S.S. Friday NCC 13-8
6. U.S.S. Oldsmobile NCC 442
5. U.S.S. James Bond NCC 007
4. U.S.S. Rescue NCC 911
3. U.S.S. Ivory NCC 99 44/100
2. U.S.S. George Orwell NCC 1984
and the #1 Worst Starship name and registry
1. U.S.S. Beverly Hills NCC 90210
written by Noel Tominack, ACS
University of Maryland Baltimore County
We now return you to your regularly scheduled silly top 10 list, namely:
the TOP TEN Complaints of the Romulan Intelligence Agency
---------------------------------------------------------
10) Federation keeps smuggling loads of "Coed Naked Parise's Squares"
T-shirts to Romulan universities
9) Every other officer is a clone of Tasha Yar
8) "Romulan" is an anagram for "unmoral"
7) Shoulder pads on our new uniforms are so big we look like a Vulcanoid
version of the Green Bay Packers
6) Comissary at Agency HQ serves watered-down Romulan ale
5) Ever since we blew up our own Vulcan invasion force, it's been impossible
to get volunteers for the next one
4) name "Enterprise" sounds suspiciosly like Romulan phrase "enn t'rp reis"
meaning "your mother sucks eggs"
3) All of Sela's big plans work about as well as lead balloons
2) Stole the blueprints for the Federation's proposed Escher class starship,
but can't make head nor tail out of them
1) $800 million credit cloaked surveillance satellite in Earth orbit was
supposed to moniter Starfleet HQ, but only picks up MTV instead
Ladies and gentleman, I bid you welcome to this special performance.
Tonight, Bellman Productions proudly presents:
Silly Top Ten List - the Musical!
---------------------------------
selection #10
Music: title theme from "Gilligan's Island"
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a maiden trip,
That started from this deep space port,
Aboard this Starfleet ship.
The mate was a mighty dorky guy,
The skipper, bald and bold,
The ship was ordered to Farpoint,
For a two-part episode, a two-part episode.
The ship got captured by the Q,
The awful script was rough,
If not for the fervor of the fearless fans,
We would have turned it off, we would have turned it off.
Now, the ship is boldly going
Where no one has gone before,
With Jean-Luc Picard, and Riker too,
The red-head Doc, and her son,
The Betazoid,
An android and a Klingon man,
Here on the Enterprise!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #9
Music: "Home on the Range"
Singers: the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D
Oh give me a home, where the Captain's a chrome-dome,
Where the crew on the holodeck play.
Where seldom the words "fire phasers" are heard,
And Wesley at school is away.
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #8
Music: "With Catlike Tread" from "The Pirates of Penzance"
by Gilbert and Sullivan
Singers: the r.a.s.* canon police
We canon-heads
Don't accept all Trek.
Only what's on film
The rest can go to heck.
No books at all!
We don't believe a word
Even if it was okayed by the Great Bird.
So steadily we flame the techs
For spouting off Franz Joseph's specs
Trekkers on r.a.s!
Watch our local station
Do a Vulcan salutation
Keep canonicity
Free of FASA's blasphemy!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #7
Music: theme from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
You know that they'll be toasted
R.I.P.
They rarely last through more than just one scene,
Every time you look, they're dying on the screen,
When that bug-eyed monster attacks,
Those security guys are nothin' but snacks.
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Shouldn't ever beam down
R.I.P.
Those red-shirt guys are really up the creek,
They never live to come back the next week,
Bear the brunt of every attack,
So many croak, you can't keep track.
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
You know that they'll be toasted
R.I.P.
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #6
Music: Monty Python's lumberjack song
Singer: Commander Riker
Oh, I'm First Officer and I'm okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I man the bridge, I sign reports,
I go to the lavatory.
I hang out with the Captain, and he makes me drink Earl Grey tea!
Oh, I'm First Officer and I'm okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I man the bridge, I grow my beard,
I lead the away teams.
I've scored on every planet onto which I have been beamed!
Oh, I'm First Officer and I'm okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I play poker, I skip and jump,
I visit Risa when on leave.
When I whip out my horgon, the babes all run to me!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #5
Music: "Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer
Singer: Captain Picard a.k.a. M.C. Baldo
My, my, my, my starship is
So cool
Makes me say
Look here, fool
the Enterprise is
So rad
With its 2-Live crew
And Captain so bad
I've met Romulans and Ferengi and dissed 'em
A superfly French guy from the Sol system
And you know, you can't say no
When I tell you to... Make it so!
Make it so!
Make it so!
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Make it so!
Make it so!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #4
Music: "Takin' Care of Business" by B.T.O.
Singer: Wesley Crusher
I get up every mornin'
To the alarm clock's warnin'
And take the turbo-lift up to the bridge.
I'm in charge of navigation
So I've got to man my station
For an acting ensign, quite a privilege.
And if there's some threat
Well, you sure as heck can bet
That I'll figure out a way to save the day!
If you ever get annoyed at this acting ensign boy,
Well, I'm not the one who writes it, okay?
I'll be savin' the Enterprise, every day,
Savin' the Enterprise, every way,
Savin' the Enterprise, it gets old,
Savin' the Enterprise, in every episode.
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #3
Music: "There's a Hole in the Bucket"
Singers: Geordi LaForge and Leah Brahms
There's a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, dear Leah,
There's a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, a hole.
Patch the hole then, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Patch the hole then, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, patch the hole.
With what shall I patch it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
With what shall I patch it, dear Leah, with what?
Use a phase shift, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Use a phase shift, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, a phase shift.
And how shall I shift it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
And how shall I shift it, dear Leah, just how?
Reverse the polarity, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Reverse the polarity, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, the polarity.
How shall I reverse it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
How shall I reverse it, dear Leah, just how?
Reconfigure the crystals, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Reconfigure the crystals, dear Geordi, the crystals.
With what shall I reconfigure them, dear Leah, dear Leah,
With what shall I reconfigure them, dear Leah, with what?
With a proton beam, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
With a proton beam, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, a proton beam.
And how shall I make it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
And how shall I make it, dear Leah, this beam?
Extend the warp field, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Extend the warp field, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, extend the field.
There's a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, dear Leah...
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #2
Music: excerpt from "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
Singer: Commander Riker (with fan chorus)
Captain, just got offered a command,
It's the third or fourth this year,
But I really like it here,
Oh Captain, I'm the show's co-star,
Do they think I'm gonna just throw that away?
I see a pretty good director of a man
Jonathan Frakes! Jonathan Frakes! Will you direct the next episode?
Phaser bolts and lightning, very very frightening me
Galileo! Shuttle Galileo!
Galileo! Shuttle Galileo!
Galileo, Ferengi. (Magnifico!)
I am just a poor boy, nobody loves me,
He is just a poor boy, with poor acting ability,
Spare us the fans from this monstrosity!
Easy come, easy go, do you think he'll go?
Bismillah! No, he will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Bismillah! He will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Bismillah! He will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Never, never, never will I go - leave the show!
No no no no no no no!
O mama mia, mama mia, mama mia leave the show.
Starfleet Command has a vessel put aside for me, for me,
For me!
* * * * * * * * * *
selection #1
Music: the tune of "Abdul Abulbul Amir"
The box office profits are valuable as gold
So the crew for the big screen did steer
And of all their six movies, the worst I am told
Is Star Trek: The Final Frontier.
Spock had a half-brother, the idea was lame
The F\X were all below par
In the credits the name, William Shatner, it came
Under writer, director, and star.
It was a disaster, the bomb was complete
It was worse than we even had feared
Sybok wasn't the only one feeling the pain
At this God-awful movie's premier!
Good morning campers! This week we are again fortunate to have a
bonus top ten list, again courtesy of noel@umbc2.umbc.edu (Noel Tominack).
So without further delay, here are:
TOP 10 Problems Wesley Crusher has at the Starfleet Academy
10. Keeps bumping into doors that don't open for him
9. Doesn't have his Mommy to protect him
8. Will not get his credits in Transporter Science after he accidentally
relocated the Academy to South Pole
7. Boothby "accidentally" spraying water on him every chance he can
6. Letters from Hugh G. Rection
5. Former Nova Teammates putting anti-matter in his bed
4. Thought his instructors were kidding when they said "You think you are
so smart? YOU teach the damned class!"
3. Academy Internet node does not carry alt.sex newsgroups
2. The commencement speaker will be the Captian of the Boseman
and the number one problem for Wesley Crusher at the Starfleet Academy:
1. He never gets to save the Academy from destruction
the TOP TEN lines you'll never hear
on Star Trek: The Next Generation
-------------------------------------------
10) Worf: Klingons do *not* play tiddlywinks!
9) Picard: It's too bad we don't live in an enlightened, civilized era
like they had in the twentieth century.
8) Geordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out of the academy again?
They caught him smoking pot!
Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana - a narcotic
obtained from the hemp plant. Cannabis. Weed. Mary Jane. Grass.
Reefer. Panama red...
7) Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for
someone who cares! Now get out!
6) Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!
5) a Starfleet admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there's plenty of
other ships in your quadrant.
4) Riker: Not tonight - I have a headache.
3) Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The Smurfs are on subspace T.V.!
2) Geordi: We've modified the warp coils by reversing the polarity of the
inverse geometric phase integrator and adding a broad-band
neutrino flux generator to the hyper-magnetic field controls.
Riker: What will that do?
Geordi: Not a damn thing, but it sure as hell *sounds* impressive!
1) Picard: Oh, screw the hailing frequencies. Fire all phasers!
the TOP TEN T-shirts worn by members of the Enterprise crew
-----------------------------------------------------------
10) (Wesley) Starfleet Academy Funnel Team
9) (Riker) Play Jazz Naked
8) (Worf) Klingons do NOT wear funny T-shirts!
7) (Picard) Make it so!
6) (O'Brien) Beam THIS up!
5) (Data) Cochrane's equations
4) (Wesley) Hard Rock Cafe - Tau Ceti
3) (Geordi) Wanna see my dilithium crystals?
2) (Riker) My Captain got assimilated by the Borg, and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt!
1) (Picard) Starship Captains do it at warp speed!
NOTE: This week's installment is a collaboration between myself
and my sister Katie (chkimbal@colby.edu). In honor of the fact that it
has twice the usual number of authors, it is also twice the normal
length of a typical top ten list.
The unexpected can be rare on a show like TNG, where the writers'
motto is apparently "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle", but hopefully today's entry
is proof that TNG can still throw the occasional curve. To wit:
the TOP TWENTY surprise plot twists in upcoming TNG episodes
------------------------------------------------------------
20) Worf signs his son Alexander up for ballet lessons
19) The distress call they have been answering is a prank Wesley sent from
the Academy
18) Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live
style Conehead
17) Picard beams down
16) All of Geordi's lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no
pseudo-scientific doubletalk
15) Troi runs amok with a machete
14) Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his
"command" has been a holodeck simulation
13) No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar
12) Geordi gets a woman
11) Riker *doesn't* get a woman
10) Data states that he cannot use contractions after using one in the
previous scene, and the fabric of the universe, unable to withstand
the continuity error, is rent asunder
9) Picard wakes up muttering "there's no place like home"
8) Riker accepts command of another starship, the U.S.S. ZZ Top
7) Ten Forward is turned into a strip-joint, with its lead act being Beverly
Crusher as "The Dancing, Disrobing Doctor"
6) Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant or a chief petty
officer, O'Brien beams the entire bridge crew into a black hole and
assumes the rank of Captain
5) Picard fires the phasers
4) "Prime Directive" is the word of the day, entire crew goes "Aaaaahhhhh!!"
at the top of their lungs whenever it is mentioned
3) Data's cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy
2) Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew, and a no-name security
guard saves the ship
1) Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea Mix; does "Nestea
Plunge" into swimming pool on holodeck
Well, campers, this is the last top ten list I will be posting.
I'll have too much work to do the next couple weeks, with finals and
all, and then I graduate. If anyone out there wants a copy of any or
all of the lists, I will be here for two more weeks, and I will check
my mail occasionally, so just e-mail me your requests. I'd like to thank
everyone who sent me all the great e-mail. It's been fun.
the TOP TEN command decisions Captain Picard has to make
--------------------------------------------------------
10) Should he send Wesley an FTD Pick-Me-Up bouquet?
9) How big a tip to leave in 10-Forward
8) Should he open hailing frequencies or beam over a nice Hallmark
card instead?
7) Stock up on minoxidol or turtle wax?
6) Whether or not to have easy-listening music played in the turbolifts
5) Should he put Spock on his Christmas card list?
4) Whether or not to have Data's cat neutered
3) Whether or not to have Commander Riker neutered
2) Bud or Coors?
1) Keep matter/antimatter warp engines or switch over to natural gas?
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: David W. Kimball :: WARNING: The surgeon general has ::
:: Snark Hunting major at UNH :: determined that reading silly .sigs ::
:: dwk1@kepler.unh.edu :: may be hazardous to your health. ::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::> You rang? --Lurch <::::::::::::::::::::::::::
--
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: David W. Kimball :: WARNING: The surgeon general has ::
:: Snark Hunting major at UNH :: determined that reading silly .sigs ::
:: dwk1@kepler.unh.edu :: may be hazardous to your health. ::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::> You rang? --Lurch <::::::::::::::::::::::::::
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 11-MAY-1992 17:34:51
Description: A silly Top 10 List
Hello, I am Noel Tominack from University of Maryland at Baltimore
County. I was a bit nonplussed at Dave Kimball's ending of the top 10 list and
decided to give it a shot myself.
Please rememenr I am new at this and don't have that flair yet. If I
really do a lame job I'll just quietly slip away.
But for now, with the episode "I, Borg" coming up, I thought it only
approrpiate that I bring you:
TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL YOUR ROOMMATE IS A BORG
10. Their clothes are always black
9. The $50,000 phone bills
8. They spend 3 weeks in Florida and still look white
7. Your home entertainment center disappears, two days later they are
wearing it.
6. TV reception gets poor when they walk by
5. They spend more time reading newsgroups than you do
4. Whenever you talk to them the laser on the side of their head
blings you
3. An electronics store chain used them as a mascot
2. They assimilate all your food
and the number one way to tell if your roommate is a Borg
1. Everything is irrelavant
~Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Subject: More Chirstmas Present Top 10 lists (long)
Message-ID: <23DEC92.13432122@umbc2.umbc.edu>
Organization: University of Maryland Baltimore County
~Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 18:43:21 GMT
~Lines: 1509
~From: UMBC2::WINS%"darsie@eecs.ucdavis.edu" 23-JUN-1992 19:51:09.24
To: NOEL
CC:
Subj: trek
Return-Path: <darsie@eecs.ucdavis.edu>
Received: from madrone.eecs.ucdavis.edu by umbc2.umbc.edu with SMTP ;
Tue, 23 Jun 92 19:51:01 EDT
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~Date: Tue, 23 Jun 92 16:50:22 -0700
~From: darsie@eecs.ucdavis.edu (Richard Darsie)
Message-Id: <9206232350.AA26150@madrone.eecs.ucdavis.edu>
To: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Subject: trek
I saw your "Top 10 Commercial Endorsements" in rec.arts.startrek.misc,
and wondered if you would post for me the following "Top 10" list
(I don't have posting access). Thanks!!!
TOP TEN WORRIES OF WORF (continued)
10. Someone will discover that he really CAN'T read.
9. His secret computer disk of nude Klingon female gifs will be found.
8. One of his superiors will actually listen to his security advice
and it will turn out to be useless.
7. On her next visit Lwaxana Troi will get the hots for him.
6. The Klingon/Human treaty will break down and he will have to rejoin
the Klingon fleet and serve with REAL warriors.
5. Klingon opera will become the latest human musical fad.
4. Because of his successful delivery of Keiko's baby Dr. Crusher will
make him the ship's midwife.
3. When he dies he will have to serve with the Pink Fleet instead of
the Black Fleet.
2. Riker will get the hots for a Klingon woman and ask him for
advice on technique.
And now, the NUMBER ONE worry of Lt. Worf:
1. Alexander will throw up on him in public.
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 6-JUL-1992 13:47:06
Description: A silly Top 10 List
This is a reminder to let you know next week's list will be posted a
day early since I will be on travel during the week. Anyway, from the home
office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you.
TOP 10 Songs Jean-Luc Picard will NEVER sing
10. Dark Side of the Moon
9. Stayin' Alive
8. Louie Louie
7. Over the Rainbow
6. Theme from "Shaft"
5. My Girl
4. Mr. Tambourine Man
3. anything by Elvis
2. I'm Too Sexy
and the Nummber one song Jean-Luc Picard will never sing
1. Rubber Biscuit
[WARNING: Imagineing Picard singing any of the above songs may result in
uncontrallable fits of laughter]
~From: noel@umbc1.umbc.edu
~Date: 12-JUL-1992 17:27:20
Description: A silly Top 10 List
I am posting this a day early becuase I will be on vcation all week.
Look for your favorite Top 10 list on its normal day next week. But right
now, from the home office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you.
TOP 10 SUBJECT HEADINGS YOU'LL NEVER SEE HERE
10. Enterprise vs. Red Dwarf--Who would win?
9. I have *NO* theories about "Time's Arrow"
8. TNG/Simpsons Crossovers
7. Dr. Pulaski--what a babe!
6. Patrick Stewart on "American Gladiators"
5. What's the name of the Vulcan homeworld?
4. The Bozeman crew is the most intelligent in Starfleet--ever
3. Lynch's Spoiler review: "Sex Trek, The Next Penetration" (apologies Tim)
2. Admiral Wesley Crusher
and the number one subject heading you will never see
1. A SERIOUS Top 10 List
~From: noel@umbc1.umbc.edu
~Date: 20-JUL-1992 12:31:12
Description: A silly Top 10 List
I'm back from vacation, and while out there I saw TV Guide where
Patrick Steuart was voted "Most bodacious Male". That got me thinking...
TOP 10 REASONS PATRICK STEUART WAS VOTED MOST BODACIOUS MALE
10. The forceful way he says "come"
9. To annoy the hell out of Johnathan Frakes
8. Everyone voted for him as a goof
7. That really tight uniform
6. Most attractive older man on television since Ricardo Montalban
5. Wil Wheaton no longer on show
4. A TNG fan hacked TV Guide's computer and changed the results
3. All the "90210" fans were at the mall when the polling took place
2. Mistaken for Right Said Fred
and the number one reason Steuart was voted most bodacious male
1. His bald head makes him look like a giant er, uh, you know.
~From: DISPATCH@ncsuvm.cc.ncsu.edu
~Date: 21-JUL-1992 23:58:37
Description: yet *another* silly top 10 list
Taken from the Raleigh News and Observer, Friday, Sept 6, 1991. Credited
to Features Staff. Reprinted without permission.
Get a Life
In honor of the 25th anniversary of "Star Trek" on Sunday, here are the
Top 10 reasons to retire the original crew for good.
10. It's time to stop the meaningless slaughter of Tribbles for William
Shatner's toupees.
9. Commissary on board doesn't serve Slim Fast.
8. Bones has finally realized, "I'm a doctor, not an actor!"
7. Spock has joined Robert Bly's men's movement.
6. Klingons and Romulans get a better offer to become Flygirls on
"In Living Color."
5. Enterprise power source discovered to be Folger's crystals.
4. Alien babes don't kiss like they used to.
3. Crew doesn't like plot of next movie -- "Star Trek VII: Federation
Family Feud."
2. We can't take much more of this, Captain!
And the No. 1 reasone to retire the crew...
1. Kirk to Enterprise: "I've beamed down and I can't get up."
~From: noel@umbc1.umbc.edu
~Date: 28-JUL-1992 02:43:18
Description: A silly Top 10 List
Well, this week I almost forgot to post and its been a rough week. But
don't worry, I'll make it up my making August TIME'S ARROW SILLY TOP 10 LIST
MONTH. That's right, a month's worth of Top 10 lists for the cliffhanger. But
fro now...
TOP 10 REASONS I POSTED LATE
10. The Borg assimilated my PC
9. 0I was captured by Romulians--lukcy it was Sela which made escape easier
8. An energy being posessed my body and made me drive it to the beach
7. I've been caught in a causality loop since Tuesday
6. An alien probe made me live someone else's life all day, sorry
5. Had to stay at the state inspection site until my car passed its
dechyon, tachyon, and positronic emissions tests
4. I've been out of phase--whenever I tried to type my fingers went through
the keyboard
3. Was driving home when I got hit by the U.S.S. Bozeman
2. I've been sick the Cardassian Flu
and the number one reason I posted late
1. I forgot (honest!)
~From: noel@umbc1.umbc.edu
~Date: 3-AUG-1992 22:25:27
Description: A silly Top 10 list
As promised, this is the first Top 10 list in "Time's Arrow" month.
So from the home office in Arbutus Mayrland, here is:
TOP 10 REJECTED PPLOT RESOLUTIONS FOR "TIME'S ARROW"
10. Commander Sela appears and says this has all been a Romulain plot to
get back at Data and Picard. Given Sela'a track record, Data and Picard
escape with the help of Samuel Clemons.
9. Guinan finds out who the [bad] aliens are and suggests they try the Borg
8. Thanks to a hidden message in a Sam Clemons essay, Kirk, Spock, et al
choose 1895 as the time to get whales and gather up the away team. Then
at Picard's insistence, are given passage on the U.S.S. Bozeman.
7. Somehow, Montgomery Scott gets involved and beams the away team through
time. A 900 number is set up so fans can vote for the young or old Scott
6. Picard finds a young inventor who has made a time machine--Tim Esarrow
5. Starfleet investigates when it realizes that the hippie movement of the
late 1960s can be attributed to decaying positron emitter under Height-
Ashbury
4. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy see the Starfleet Logo in a Sam Clemons book while
they are in 1930s New Jersey. They use the rock thing in "City on the Edge
or Forever" to go back to 1895 and get them.
3. Two words: Wesley Crusher
2. One letter: Q
and the numbver one reject plot resolution for Time's Arrow
1. Picard wakes up and discovers everything since "Darmok" was only a dream
~From: Anthony_Battles_-T@cso.3mail.3com.com
~Date: 3-AUG-1992 19:24:00
Description: Top ten reasons why they dont use the restroom Part V
Hello everyone, it has been a while but...
I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top Ten Reasons Why They Dont Use the Restroom Part V.
***********************************************************
10. Too many people kept falling out of the shuttle bay.
9. Data still cant figure out what that protrusion is for.
8. The women aboard still have this feeling that Riker
is nearbye everytime they have to go.(See Part II).
7. After all of that prune juice I still dont see how
Worf can hold it all these years (See Part I).
6. Geordi tried, but going out the window at warp speed is not
a good idea.
5. How do you think Guinan makes that Omnicron Beta Sunsplash drink.
4. Lt. Barclay really does it in the holodeck.
3. Everytime they(the red shirts) would ask Kirk, he would take them
down to the surface. And they would go(in their pants) before they
got killed by the monster.
2. Now we know why Kirk is always tense in the dramatic scenes.
And the number 1 reason why they dont use the restroom*********
1. Everyone is collectively saving it, to convert it into a hairpiece
for Picard.
Anthony
========================================================================
"This is the Captain Speaking. We have succesfully completed our first
mission. I think we need a break. Ensign Lay in a course for Risa at
warp 9, Crew.... Its Party Time!!!
The USS Galaxy's first completed mission
========================================================================
~From: a0s5104@titan.ucc.umass.edu (James S. Belfiore)
~Date: 5-AUG-1992 19:32:44
Description: Yet Another Top Ten List...
As we approach the sixth season of ST:TNG, original, unused script ideas
(as well as long forgotten ones that might be "new" again) are getting
harder to come by. As a service to those at Paramount who just might
peek at r.a.s.* for ideas, as well as an attempt to alleviate an otherwise
boring day in my office, I am only too happy to submit yet another
"top ten" list.
Thus:
Top Ten new / unused plot lines for upcoming sixth season episodes of ST:TNG:
10.) Season opener: Picard and crew chase after Data now riding horseback
through Sleepy Hollow.
9.) Wesley visits the Enterprise from the Academy: Since his Colbert-star
fiasco he "can't get dates".
8.) Food replicators malfunction - the only working pattern is for "spam"
(Incidents of cannibalism break out throughout the ship).
7.) Alexander follows Worf around the ship with a pot, banging him on the
head yelling, "Not the mama! Not the mama!".
6.) Riker put on trial for violating the Prime Directive when it is learned
he taught the J'nai to play "strip poker".
5.) The Borg invade Starfleet's Central Information Net. Data divises a
plan to announce that a public XXX ftp site is up at borg.starfleet.hq:
the Borg are brought to a halt in minutes.
4.) Troi's mother visits the Enterprise. Complains that there isn't
a good nurse to be found.
3.) A freak wormhole blasts Montgomery Scott to the 24th century, and
robs Geordi's prosthetic vision. Scotty later restores Geordi's
vision when he realizes he put on a barette by mistake.
2.) Alexander is made an acting ensign.
1.) Tribbles!
a0s5104@titan.ucc.umass.edu
(belfiore@aer.com)
~From: noel@umbc1.umbc.edu
~Date: 10-AUG-1992 18:46:02
Description: A silly Top 10 List times two!
Continuing with "Time's Arrow Month" I bring you another list related
to the season finale. However, this time its twice the size becuase my
sister Mary helped on this one (She came up with all the sick ones). So from
the branch office in White Plains MD, we bring you:
TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD
20. Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17 Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
and the number one use for Data's detatched head
1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life
insurance policy
~From: noel@umbc1.umbc.edu
~Date: 17-AUG-1992 17:30:08
Description: A silly Top 10 List
From teh home office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you
TOP 10 RECYCLED PLOT ELEMENTS IN "TIME'S ARROW"
10. Data playing poker
9. people being out of phase with everyone else
8. Visitng San Fransisco in the past
7. Using Data as equipment
6. Picard wanting to rush out and solve a mystery
5. Displaying Data's ddetatched head for dramaitc effect
4. Picard and Guinan having one of those conversations we are all clueless
about
3. The Enterprise being summoned to Starfleet Academy
2. The idea that somone in the crew is dead when they are not
and the number one recycled plot element is
1. A two-part cliffhanger that drives you nuts all summer
~From: medic@milton.u.washington.edu (Travis Lauricella)
~Date: 19-AUG-1992 20:52:04
Description: Another Wacky Top Ten List
Here we go with another one of those wacky top ten lists!
THE TOP TEN REASONS WORF CONTTINUALLY GETS BEAT UP:
10. Those pesky humans had *bugs* in their necks!
9. Heavy makeup makes movement cumbersome.
8. Only ever gets a good workout on pod-inseminating creatures.
7. Didn't get enough sleep 'cause he was up playing poker all night.
6. Partakes in too many bizarre Klingon rituals.
5. You expect a big Klingon to over-power a little old android?
4. Would rather crush an Ensign.
3. Alexander.
2. He didn't pump up with Hans and Frans.
1. "A true warrior does not trifle with research ships."
~From: noel@umbc1.umbc.edu
~Date: 1-SEP-1992 00:32:15
Description: A silly Top 10 List
Well here is the final Top 10 List for "Time's Arrow Month". Next
week we bring back the usual assortment of topics. This is a bit recycled,
but I think there is enough new material to post, so from the home office in
Arbutus Maryland, its
TOP 10 THINGS FOR AWAY TEAM TO DO IN 1895
10. Riker--acquire hundreds of pounds of gold and bury it where his home
will be in Alaska.
9. Picard--stock up on French wine and caviar
8. LaForge--disregard the prime directive and help Thomas Edison invent
the tricorder
7. Troi--stock up on all that terran chocolate
6. two words: earthquake insurance
5. Riker--invent the condom so there won't be any Riker Juniors in the 20th
century
4. Data--Learn comedy from then-child comedian George Burns
3. Convince Samuel Clemons to stay in his time
2. Warn Guinan about Borg
and the number one thing for the away team to do in 1895
1. Get back to their time so O'Brien can leave for Deep Space Nine
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 14-SEP-1992 18:06:24
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
Sorry for missing last week--my college was installing a new computer
system in a new building and the news connection was down all of last week.
For those of you people new to this newsgroup, I am Noel Tominack from
the University of Maryland Baltimore County. I am continuing the tradition of
posting a Silly Top 10 list every Monday, an idea started by Dave Kimball
somewhere in New Hampshire (and who I hope will take it over again). I hope
you all like them.
So from the home office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you
TOP 10 MYSTERIES OF STAR TREK
10. Why are Geordi's best freinds and android and a Borg?
9. How come after 73 episodes of TOS, 6 movies and 126 episodes of TNG--
we have yet to see a bathroom or somone using it?
8. Whatever happened to all those planets Kirk visited where he violated
the prime directive?
7. Why would any TOS character want to appear in a TNG episode with the
title "Relics"?
6. How come the cast of TNG sued to stop blooper reels but not "Cost of
Living"?
5. Why does the Enterprise have a French Captian with an English accent?
4. Who was Leonard Nimoy buying the 5 Shuttlecraft ornaments for anyway?
3. How come Starfleet can make something sophisticated as the Enterprise
yet still not get Picard's uniform to fit right?
2. Why are the Romulains still putting up with Sela?
and the number one Mystery of Star Trek
1. If they really do read the newsgroups, what do they think of my lists?
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 21-SEP-1992 20:33:41
Description: A silly Top 10 List
From the home office om Arbutus Maryland, we bring you:
TOP TEN REJECTED MIDDLE NAMES FOR WILLIAM T. RIKER
10. Tibet
9. Toburculosis
8. Tippecanoe
7. Tuscaloosa
6. Tea
5. Tasty
4. Torque
3. Tiddlywinks
2. Theighmaster
and the number one rejected name for William T. Riker:
1. Tiberius
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 28-SEP-1992 19:05:12
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
Since we are all probably tired of reading post after post about
"Time's Arrow II" this Top 10 list we go on a different track. So from the
home office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you:
TOP 10 *LEAST* USED LINES BEGINNING WITH "KLINGONS DO NOT..."
10. Wear white socks with a business suit
9. Serve red wine with fish
8. Serve white wine with gach
7. invest all their money in high-yield CDs and municipal bonds
6. steal towels from hotels--they acquire extra drying materials
5. drive Volvos
4. Grade a comic-book "mint" when it is only in "very good" condition
3. do not "do" lunch
2. argue about existential poetry in beatnik dives over expresso at 2 AM
and the number one least used line...
1. Klingons do NOT read silly top 10 lists!
~From: CXMP@MUSICA.MCGILL.CA (CXMP)
~Date: 29-SEP-1992 22:01:11
Description: My own silly top ten list
Here's another silly top ten list, this time my own:
The top ten most pointless posts to rec.arts.startrek.current
10. How can Data speak French (R.I.P.) with all those contractions?
9. This is my personal theory on ...
8. Worf/Picard/Data/Riker is a wuss/robot/slave/pig!
7. Troi/Beverly is hot/not-so-hot!
6. STTNG is not as good as ...
5. Alexander/Lwaxana must die!
4. I heard a rumour from my cousin who's the hairdresser of ...
3. That episode sucked!
2. I agree.
and *the* most pointless post of all is
1. Here's another top ten list ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
! Address as above or use
Martin Phipps ! LOULA@hep.physics.mcgill.ca or simply
! MUHEP::LOULA if you're on a VAX
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Terminal freeze, duplicate posts, lost posts and email-come-posts,
these are a few of my least favorite things.
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 5-OCT-1992 23:52:47
Description: A silly Top 10 list
Sorry for taking so long to post this, but I now have a day job and
will not be able to post the list until this time. If anyone likes I can post
it late on Sunday instead.
So from the home office in Arbuts Maryland, we bring you
TOP 10 RESAONS FISH HEADS ARE BETTER THAN KLINGONS
10. They smell better
9. They use less uniform material and living space
8. They don't have a lot of rituals that get in the way of things
7. They are natural Tribble repellant
6. A fish head didn't kill Kirk's son
5. They don't have a difficult language, (or any)
4. Borg *will not* assimilate them
3. Romulains do not hate them
2. They are a lot easier to film and do make-up on
and the number one reason fish heads are better than Klingons
1. Fish heads are never seen drinking cappachino with romulains plotting to
overthrow the Klingon Empiree ew
~From: cs000sdl@selway.umt.edu (Stefan D Leigland)
~Date: 6-OCT-1992 20:30:09
Description: TOP 10 LIST
<Yet another Top 10 List>
Sound the alarms, it's another first-timer posting to the net! EEEWWW!
And he's trying to be funny, too. Anyway, let me know what you think,
especially if I shouldn't give up my day job...
TOP 10 UNUSED PLOT LINES FOR THE COMING SEASON
----------------------------------------------
10. Q turns the entire crew into house pets.
9. Wesley returns from the Academy just in time to save the Enterprise
from certain destruction. Deanna throttles him because it was HER
turn to save the show.
8. TV producer thinks Riker's goofy looks and cheesy pick-up lines
are hilarious. Offers him his own late night talk show.
7. Geordi gets a date.
6. Deanna grows another head! Psychobabble now twice as annoying.
5. Enterprise purchased by short, Texas billionaire. NCC-1701-D
is renamed "The Perotmobile."
4. Data joins a travelling Chippendales club as the "anemic stripper
from Eroticus IV."
3. Beverly develops a virus which regenerates human hair. Picard
becomes a spokesman for Hair Club for Men.
2. Guinan reveals that she's really Dr. Ruth.
1. Lwaxana and Alexander hijack the saucer section. Spend rest of
show swooping the drive section and terrorizing Barkley.
Hope you enjoyed!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Stefan Leigland | Picard: "Why have you done this, Q?
University of Montana | Q: "Why? Why to give you a taste of your
cs000sdl@selway.umt.edu | future, a preview of things to come..."
--
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Stefan Leigland | Picard: "Why have you done this, Q?
University of Montana | Q: "Why? Why to give you a taste of your
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 12-OCT-1992 17:48:23
Description: A silly Top 10 List
Okay, so last week's list wasn't very funny. That's what I get for
writing a list when I am tired. Becuase of a new job I will be posting the Top
10 list SUNDAY NIGHT from now on. If you have any other suggestions please let
me know.
So from the home office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you:
TOP 10 SIGNS THE ENTERPRISE HAS PICKED UP A BAD EMBASSADOR
10. Beams aboard with a bunch of crates saying "don't worry about food, I
brought my own"
9. Casually asks for a lot of technical information and if by any chance
they are going near the Neutral Zone
8. They become attracted to Troi
7. Keeps playing "pull my finger" with Data
6. Complains to Dr. Crusher about the poor quality of replicated blood
5. Spends a lot of time in the holodeck with Barclay's programs
4. Someone accidentally bumps into him and half the crew mysteriously
slips into a coma
3. Asks Alexander if he's ever watched Gladiator movies
2. Inquires about Federation laws regarding paternity suits
and the number one sign the Enterprise picked up a Bad embassador
1. When they zoon in the embassador for more than 3 seconds in the opening
~From: jzarin@nyx.cs.du.edu (Jason Zarin)
~Date: 20-OCT-1992 23:47:56
Description: Schism Top Ten! (not!)
OK, I admit it. I couldn't think of a good funny topic for
"Schisms." So here is my backup list, prepared weeks in advance for
just such an emergency. So from the TA office in Los Angeles,
California ---
This is a political Top Ten list. I have tried to be offensive
evenly to all three candidates, so no flames please!
Without any further ado,
Top Ten Reasons Captain Picard is Voting for Bush
-------------------------------------------------
10. Clinton has too much hair.
9. Barbara reminds him of his dear Maman.
8. Loves a good mystery -- like searching for Bush's economic plan.
7. Would also rather discuss war in Bosnia than fight.
6. Both have goofy second-in-commands.
5. Pro-life. Having unwanted children on the Enterprise makes a
good plot device.
4. Enterprise obviously a product of high military spending.
3. Picard is a Texas Rangers fan.
2. Who needs an environmental policy when you have a holodeck?
1. Spelling of potato changed in early 24th century. Quayle was
a genius ahead of his time!
Top Ten Reasons Riker's for Clinton
-----------------------------------
10. Heck, Clinton gets the girls.
9. Pro-choice. Wishes Wesley was aborted.
8. Wouldn't mind "doing" Hillary.
7. Likes name "slick Willie." (Unfortunately, several of the female
crew members have been referring to Riker as "quick Willie" if ya know
what I mean.)
6. Doesn't much like his father either.
5. Riker never went to Vietnam.
4. Thinks of himself as part of "cultural elite."
3. Troi likes Clinton -- 'nuff said.
2. Riker identifies with Democratic Jackass.
1. Both Riker and Clinton can't play music worth a damn.
Well, to be fair, here's half a top ten list for that
half-a-candidate Perot.
Top Ten Reasons No One is Voting for Perot
------------------------------------------
5. There's already one Frenchman in charge.
4. Riker will never shave his beard off.
3. Barclay swears that Perot's got "Transporter anxiety."
2. Data says "Perot? Ah -- demagogue, athoritarian, little Napoleon, ..."
1. Klingons do NOT vote for third party candidates!!!
----
Remember, if you feel like stroking my ego, please send me mail. Next
week's episode looks like it has comic potential!
----
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason Zarin zarin@econ.sccnet.ucla.edu
To an economist, real life is just a special case.
Go Bruins!!!
~From: jzarin@nyx.cs.du.edu (Jason Zarin)
~Date: 27-OCT-1992 07:10:54
Description: "True Q" Top Ten! (spoiler free!)
- "Worf, what will it take to convince you that there are no spoilers ahead?"
- "Space bar!"
Ewww! Speaking of Q, this episode reminded me of James Bond's
champagne in "The Man With the Golden Gun" -- Foo Yuk! Really. This
was just a bad ripoff of "Bewitched" without the laugh track. Q had
some good lines though!!
But let's leave the reviews to the experts!
From the stressed, midterm-bound, maybe-a-TA-no-longer office in Los
Angeles, California ....
Top Ten Pranks at Q University
------------------------------
10. Melting Professors!
9. Getting the answers to the final exam *before* the test is even written!
8. Changing the gravitational constant of the universe during
football games.
7. Rewriting history during lecture, confusing the professor to no end.
6. Disassembling universes and rebuilding them in friends' dorm rooms.
5. Creating partial vacuums in people's underwear.
4. Going to the prom *as* your date.
3. "Inside-Out Day" -- not your clothes, your body!
2. Interdimensional panty raids.
1. Replacing the fine coffee they usually serve with dilithium crystals!
---
Wish me luck on my midterms!
"Rascals" definitely has possibilities!!
---
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason Zarin zarin@econ.sccnet.ucla.edu
To an economist, real life is just a special case.
Go Bruins!!!
~From: 00nderwin@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu
~Date: 28-OCT-1992 19:11:48
Description: A Trial Top 10 List
Here's my first attempt at a Star Trek Top 10 list.
Let me know what you think by e-mail.......
00nderwin.bsuvc.bsu.edu
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
TOP 10 STAR TREK RIPOFFS OF KNIGHT RIDER
===============================================================================
=
10. A "sweeping" red light bar is installed on the front of the Enterprise.
9. Geordi installs Turbo Boost on the warp engines.
8. The Enterprise docks insode a starbase that looks like a large black semi.
7. Picard starts wearing a black leather jacket and talks to the computer
through his watch.
6. The ensign of the week has a horrible accident and requires plastic
surgery. Dr. Crusher performs the operation, and recreates his face to
that of Wesley's.
5. Another Galaxy class starship with a mind of it's own tries to kill off
the Enterprise, but fails. Twice.
4.It is revealed that the Enterprise doesn't need shields because of it's
gamma welded shell.
3. Geordi has fantasies about Bonnie on the holodeck.
2. We see a lot of buttons on Worf's panel that are never used, but still
look neat.
AND THE NUMBER 1 STAR TREK RIPOFF OF KNIGHT RIDER:
1. The Enterprise is painted black and gets a set of T-tops.
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 9-NOV-1992 17:12:26
Description: A SIlly Top 10 List
From the home office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you:
TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT A TNG WRITER'S MEETING
10. "Playmates says they want another race of aliens for the toy line--
make one up"
9. "One more reference to Kei & Yuri and I'm going to hurl"
8. "Lets spin the wheel of plots..."
7. "So what if it contradicts something said in the first season--nobody is
going to notice"
6. "I don't care if the astrophysicist says we are wrong, who is writing
this show anyway?"
5. "Want to call Nichelle Nichols and see if she wants to appear?"
4. "Hey, think any of those fan scripts in the warehouse are any good?"
3. "Oy, another contest winner, give them a line or two like normal"
2. "It's a tender love story about Barclay falling for a shy Betazed
Medical officer, so what can we have threaten the Enterprise?"
and the number one thing overheard at at TNG writer's meeting
1. "Well they never said we *couldn't* use a transporter for that"
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 23-NOV-1992 12:16:03
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
After a 1 week hiatus, I am back, and just in time for your holiday
shopping its:
TOP 10 NEW STAR TREK TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS
10. "Borg Adapter Kit" Longing for Locutus? This handy little kit will
allow you to assimilate any of your action figures
9. "Play-Doh Food Replicator and Cloning Facility"
8. "Borg Ship" with assimilation area and places to put disassembled parts
of your other toy ships. Spend hours of fun threatening the galaxy
7. "My First Tricorder"
6. "Holodeck play set" You two can recreate all those great holodeck
program backgrounds and costumes (sold separately). Comes with
Lieutenant Barclay action figure. (Some programs may not be available to
minors)
5. "Screwed-up timeline Series" Yep, all your favorite time travel episodes"
A. U.S.S. Bozeman play set (with Captain Bates action figure)
B. Enterprise-C play set (with Captian Garret action figure)
C. Unification Play set (with Sela and Pardek action figures)
D. Time's arrow Play set (complete with Data's head, two pocket
watches, the snake cane, and Mark Twain action figure)
E. U.S.S. Jenolan play set (With Mr Scott action figure)
4. "Deanna Troi Chocolate Factory"
3. "Kill Wesly Play Set" Now you can finally do all those things to
Wesley Crusher you wanted to see on TV! Comes with "Crash Test Dummy"
Action figure of Wesley Crusher (Crash test Alexander sold separately)
2. "Shuttlecraft Bay of Doom Play Set" With falling barrels, crates of
leaking/unstable explosives, defective airlock, plasma fire, and an
unstable gateway to another world.
and the number one Star Trek Toy this Crhistmas:
1. A fully functional Phaser
(I know I'd buy one!)
~From: jzarin@nyx.cs.du.edu (Jason Zarin)
~Date: 24-NOV-1992 07:32:58
Description: Rerun Week Top Ten!! (New & Spoiler free)
Guaranteed Spoiler Free!! Happy Turkey Day!
Since it's a rerun week I have to (*gasp*) come up with an original
topic. Anyway, while at my grandmother's house I picked up an old
copy of "Moment Magazine" (a favorite of Jewish grandmothers
everywhere) that had an article entitled "Is Star Trek Jewish?"
Among other revelations, it claimed that Worf's adoptive parents were
originally supposed to be Orthodox Jews, but was changed because it
made Worf appear too "wimpy." He was given Russian parents instead,
evidently because they are more macho, I guess.
Anyway, in light of this, I present (from the office in Los Angeles,
of course) ....
Top Ten Changes If Worf Were Jewish
-----------------------------------
10. Mother's constant reminders that "you could shoot your eyes out
with one of those things" explain why Worf is a lousy shot.
9. Knows he could be second-in-command instead of that WASP Riker if
Star Fleet didn't have secret quota system.
8. Worf's appearance demonstrates stereotype of Jews having large
foreheads and bumpy "horns" on heads.
7. Only Klingon that won't eat Gach because live worm-like things aren't
kosher.
6. Worf's full name is "Worf Ben-Mogg."
5. Worf wasn't in the first few episodes of this season as they
coincided with the High Holidays.
4. Worf lives by his personal credo -- "I am a honorable Klingon
warrior who just happens to identify with Woody Allen's characters!"
3. And you thought Deanna's mother was overbearing!
2. "Ethics" episode would have contained the lines: "Fine, don't kill
me. I'll just lie here and suffer. Oy! I'm suffering! Am I
suffering enough for you yet? I'm in pain. Are you satisfied? (etc.)"
1. What kind of name is "Alexander" for a nice Jewish boy?
-----------
Top Ten List #10!
It's funnier than "Dracula" and "Malcom X" combined! Order your free
collection of Top Ten Lists delivered to your computer. Send me mail
for your personal copy.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason Zarin zarin@econ.sccnet.ucla.edu Grad Student at UCLA
To an economist, real life is just a special case.
Go Bruins!!! (Both UCLA and Boston)
~From: vincent@Micor.OCUnix.on.ca (Victor W. Wong)
~Date: 24-NOV-1992 21:06:29
Description: The Top 10 Advantages of Riker's Beard
10. Definitive removal of resemblance to James T. Kirk (except
perhaps in the paunch)
9. Useful for hiding double chin which normally accompanies
paunch
8. Proof positive that he has more hair than Picard
7. Great for catching leftover qagh (Klingon live spaghetti
worms) and saving for later snack
6. Bristly feel of beard helps repel Lwuxana Troi
5. Easier to blend into Klingon environment when need arises
4. If he didn't have one he'd have to play strip poker with Dr.
Crusher, which would expose paunch
3. Hides glass chin which kept getting punched out during the
first season
2. Saves money on shaving cream
And the number 1 advantage of Riker's beard:
1. It keeps the directors so distracted, they don't muck about
with his lines
======================================================================
VICTOR WONG
vincent@micor.ocunix.on.ca
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Closed minds lead short lives."--Anonymous
======================================================================
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 30-NOV-1992 18:51:34
Description: A SIlly Top 10 list
TOP 10 THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH MONTGOMERY SCOTT'S HEAD
10. "I save them and all I get is a shuttlecarft? I should've asked
for the engineering section"
9. "If we are at peace with the Klingons we must be at peace with the
Romulains too, I think I'll go visit Mr. Spock..."
8. "Here's a good one 'Wanted: Federation Scrapyard Manager, must be smart
enough to keep track of several scrapped ships'"
7. "These Pakleds are pretty nice, I wonder why Mr. LaForge warned be about
them"
6. "Lets see if Reisa is any better than Argelius for getting laid"
5. "I wonder if I'm elegible for 75 years worth of retirement payments"
4. "Here's another one: 'Wanted: Chief Engineer for Soyuz-Class
starship...'"
3. "Now was that a left at Starbase 23 or a right?"
2. "Hmmmm, I wonder if that big cubical ship needs an engineer"
and the number one thought going through Montomery Scott's head:
1. "I *knew* I should've gone before I left the Enterprise"
~From: cstone@husc8.harvard.edu (christopher stone)
~Date: 2-DEC-1992 03:52:40
Description: Re: Another Rerun Week Top Ten!!!
In article <1992Dec2.022944.953@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu> jzarin@nyx.cs.du.edu (Jaso
n Zarin) writes:
>No spoilers here!
>
>This week's a rerun so once again, it's up to me to find some humor!
>I've got finals RSN, so don't expect much.
>
>OK. Here's the concept. Bill Clinton is on the Enterprise. Don't ask.
>
>So from the TA office in Los Angeles, California ...
>
>Top Ten Plot Twists in the "Clinton on the Enterprise" Episode
>--------------------------------------------------------------
>
>10. Bill is watching "Hee Haw" and discussing his experiences as a
> Rhodes scholar with some friends. The fabric of the universe can't
> take this juxtiposition of the idiotic with the intelligent and Bill
> is technobabbly transported to the Enterprise.
>
> 9. Picard is stunned into utter speechlessness by Clinton's hair.
>
> 8. Shares "war stories" with Riker. ie. "And then her husband
> walked in!"
>
> 7. Thanks to replicator, all food is FAST food! Clinton's in hog heaven!
>
> 6. Dr. Crusher politely tells Bill, "with our medical technology, we
> can correct that overbite."
>
> 5. Clinton learns from Star Fleet how to eliminate the US budget
> deficit -- get rid of money!
>
> 4. Bill & Will save Enterprise from hostile aliens by playing a rather bad
> duet on Sax and Trombone.
>
> 3. Advances in genetic engineering can eliminate problems from
> inbreeding. Clinton brings the technology home to Arkansas and
> becomes a hero!
>
> 2. Clinton makes the transporter an intregal part of his universal
> health care plan.
>
> 1. As he leaves the Enterprise, Clinton closes his goodbye with "I
> still belive in a place called Hope." Data responds with, "There are
> exactly 143,452 settlements with that name in the geographical records."
>
>-------
>Top Ten List #11!
>
>It's funnier than a root canal and provides more laughs than an auto
>wreck! It's the complete Top Ten List Collection! Order your free
>copy from the "Automatic Mail System." It's easy. Just send me mail
>at "jzarin@nyx.cs.du.edu" with "gimmie" as the subject. It will
>automatically mail the lists to you.
>
>
>
>
>--
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>Jason Zarin zarin@econ.sscnet.ucla.edu Grad Student at UCLA
>To an economist, real life is just a special case.
>Go Bruins!!! (Both UCLA and Boston)
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 7-DEC-1992 17:53:14
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
Since the Holidays are coming up soon I figured I would post a
list with a Christmas theme, so from the Home Office in Arbutus Maryland, we
bring you:
TOP 10 REJECTED HALLMARK ORNAMENTS
10. Ferengi Ship, plays the message "Merry Christmas Human, I didn't pay
retail for my presents, do I look stupid!"
9. 'Time's Arrow' Data's Head. Does nothing, but the eyes light up
8. U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-C. Press a button and it appears on your tree
22 years in the future
7. U.S.S. Bozeman, playes the message "Hey, is that a ship in front of us, try
to dodge it! Hey, is that a ship in front of us?..."
6. Borg ship, plays the message "Your life as you know it is now over,
resistance is futile, Happy Holidays"
5. Klingon warbird, plays the message "Klingons do not Celebrate Holidays
with gifts, they celebrate with pain sticks"
4. From TOS, Nomad. It plays "I am Nomad, I am perfect, Happy Holidays"
3. Cloaked Romulain Warbird (a hook attatched to nothing)
2. Exocomp ornament. Automatically repairs burned-out christmas lights
and the number one rejected Hallmark Ornament
1. TNG Shuttlecraft, with Montgomery Scott saying "Happy Holidays lad"
Where is the Enterprise 1701-D? Stay tuned for next Weeks list "Top 10
rejected Holiday messages for the 1701-D" ornament
~From: jzarin@jade.tufts.edu (The Zarinator)
~Date: 8-DEC-1992 19:11:26
Description: Another Rerun Week Top Ten!!
Hey! It's another rerun episode! I really don't mind because I'm in
the middle of finals. This way I have an excuse to continue studying.
Of course, this means I have to think up an original idea again.
Fortunately it was easier this time because someone started a thread
entitled "Is Star Fleet Communist?" This, naturally, is a good topic!
So, from Stressville, USA!
Top Ten Signs That Star Fleet is Communist
------------------------------------------
10. The guys in charge wear Red.
9. The endearing way the crew says "Comrade Jean Luc Picard."
8. The computer always knows the whereabouts of each crew member.
7. Heck, Worf's Russian!
6. Those five-year missions sound an awful lot like Lenin's Five Year Plans.
5. Whenever a child shows any talent, they ship him off to a special academy.
4. Almost all male crew members wear commie pinko beards.
3. Star Fleet claims to never interfere with local situations --
yeah, right!
2. Who else but commies would want a crew member who could read thoughts?
1. Capitalist Ferengi are EVIL!
------
Top Ten list #12!
It's funnier than Saturday Night Live's last skit of the show -- guaranteed!
To get a copy of the complete collection, send mail to
jzarin@jade.tufts.edu (we've moved!) with "gimmie" as the subject.
The "Automatic Top Ten List Delivery System (tm)" will mail them to you.
Please use the automatic system. Don't send me regular email asking
for them. It's a pain, and that's why I set up the server in the
first place! Of course, you're welcome to mail me praise & compliments!
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason Zarin zarin@econ.sscnet.ucla.edu Grad Student at UCLA
To an economist, real life is just a special case.
Go Bruins!!! (Both UCLA and Boston)
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 14-DEC-1992 12:41:00
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
Last week I did the top 10 rejected Hallmark Trek ornaments. If they
were to make a U.S.S. Enterprise-D, what would the Hiliday greetings be?
Certainly not any of these. From the home office in Arbutus Maryland, we
bring you:
TOP 10 REJECTED HOLDAY MESSAGES FOR THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE-D
10. Geordi's voice: "If we can superheat the reaction chamber, redirect the
matter stream at a .003 phase offset, then inject the cool antimatter at
at -.003 offset, we just might be able to have a Merry Christmas"
9. Riker's Voice: "Merrrry Christmas!" In that same inclection he uses when
he says "Rrrrrrred Alert!"
8. "Shut up Wesley!"
7. Dr Crusher: "Oooh, we're under the mistletoe Jean-Luc"
6. Data: "I beleive the correct salutation is, 'Happy Holidays' sir"
5. Troi: "I sense Chocolate Santas"
4. Worf: "I protest, I do NOT want to have a Happy Holidays!"
3. Computer voice: "Please speicify parameters for Happy Holidays"
2. Data "Spot, that is not an appropriate use of a Chirstmas tree"
1. "You actually opened up this package? There goes its value"
~From: KAG5@psuvm.psu.edu
~Date: 21-DEC-1992 18:21:42
Description: A TOP TEN LIST-"COC-I"
A friend of mine came up with a top ten list of "Things I Hoped to Hear in
Chain of Command II". I don't think there are any spoilers, but to avoid die-
hard flamers, I'll insert some lines.....
.
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.
.
.
That should be enough....
TOP TEN THINGS I HOPED TO HEAR IN CHAIN OF COMMAND II
10. DATA TO PICARD: "I WILL SAY THIS ON CAPTAIN JELLICO'S BEHALF, HIS SON IS
A MUCH BETTER ARTIST THAN YOU WILL EVER BE."
9. DR. CRUSHER: "DEAR WES, I WAS WONDERING HOW YOU'D FEEL ABOUT HAVING A
FERENGI AS A STEP FATHER..."
8. DATA: "COME NOW, GENTLEMEN, THE ARGUMENT'S MOOT. IF THE CARDASSIANS
SUCCEED IN DEVELOPING THEIR ANTI-DNA METAGENICS WEAPON, *I* WILL BE THE NEXT
CAPTAIN OF THE ENTERPRISE."
7. WORF: "DELICIOUS! YOU WERE RIGHT AGAIN, GUINAN. I DO LIKE THE "CAPTAINS
CHOICE" FRESH SEAFOOD ENTREE...."
6. PICARD: "DEAR PARAMOUNT, I WANT MY LIFE INSURANCE AND PERSONAL INJURY
INSURANCE *DOUBLED* BEFORE I SIGN TO DO ANOTHER TWO PART EPISODE."
5. DATA: "STARFLEET COMMAND CONSIDERS COUNSELLOR TROI'S AND MY RANK *EQUAL*?!
4. CAPTAINS PICARD AND JELLICO: "MAKE IT SO." "NO, GET IT DONE." "NO, MAKE
IT *SO*!" "NO, *GET IT DONE*!!"....
3. PICARD: "IF YOU THOUGHT THE GAMES ON RHYSA WERE STIMULATING, NUMBER 1,
WAIT TIL I TELL YOU WHAT THE CARDASSIANS DO FOR FUN..."
2. DR. CRUSHER: "DATA, DID I EVER TELL YOU WHAT *WONDERFUL* EARS YOU HAVE!"
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING I HOPED TO HEAR IN CHAIN OF COMMAND II...
1. PICARD (WHISPERING): "COUNSELLOR, WHY DON'T YOU SLIP BACK INTO THAT *OTHER*
UNIFORM, AND START WORKING DECK TEN."
HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT, I THOUGH IT WAS A HOOT!
JUST A FEW ADDITIONAL OBSERVATIONS MADE BY MY SAME FRIEND:
--DO YOU THINK THE NAME JELLICO IS A REFERENCE TO THE MUSICAL CATS?
-HE DID GET RID OF THE FISH, AND TOOK A LIKING TO DATA (SPOT'S MASTER)
(FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T SEEN IT, THE CATS CALL THEMSELVES JELLICO
CATS--SAME SPELLING)
=========================================================================
"To err is human--to forgive is not : Kimberly Graves
company policy." : Penn State
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 21-DEC-1992 12:39:35
Description: A SIlly Top 10 List
Well, with everyone talking about "Chain of Command" I thought I
would throw my hat in the ring. So from the home office in Arbutus
Maryland, we bring you:
TOP 10 EDITED LINES FROM 'CHAIN OF COMMAND'
10. Riker: "So Admiral, any more surprises?"
Vice Admiral: "Along with Jelico, we are replacing Dr. Crusher with
Dr. Kate Pulaski"
(outside shot of Enterprise and Riker screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH")
9. Jelico: "If we use my plans and the crew supports me, we can make this
the most efficient starship in the Federation"
Riker: "My God, its H. Ross Perot"
8. LaForge: "But Captain Jelico, that would mean cutting power to the
astrophysics stations, sceince labs, and classrooms"
Jelico: "Will it shut down any essential systems?"
LaForge: "Ten Forward and the Holodecks will be unaffected"
Jelico: "So whats the problem? Do it"
7. Riker: "Sir, We have some problems converting to 4 workshifts"
Jelico: "Ask me if I care"
Riker: "Captian Jelico, do you care?"
Jelico: "Hell no. Now get me 4 shifts"
6. Jelico: "Damn Troi, your butt's the size of a shuttlecraft! Get a
real Starfleet uniform on"
5. Ferengi: "Oh! You give good ear human!"
4. Worf: "I can't beleive this"
Picard: "That the Cardassians have hidden a base here?"
Worf: "No, that an old man, a woman and a Klingon can wander around
these caves talking in normal tones and not get caught"
3. Picard: "Beverly, are you alright?"
Crusher: "I just had a bunch of rocks fall on me, what do you think?"
Worf: "That you really got stoned?"
2. Cardassian: (Into a com panel) "Send the forllowing message to Commander
Sela of the Romulain Empire: 'Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! I got
Picard--you owe me twenty bucks'"
And the number one sequence cut from "Chain of Command"
1. Borg: "I am Hugh, of Borg. Release Locutus or you will be destroyed"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek Top Ten Lists:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy
10) Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations
9) Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies
8) Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial
7) Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
6) Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time
5) Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die
4) Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon
3) Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders
2) Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time Pressure
1) Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no
adults
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more
growth
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields
are collapsing"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors
10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter.
When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly"
9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of
the
Next Generation
8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise
-------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN WAYS TO SHUT UP NON TREK GIRLFRIEND WITHOUT KILLING HER:
10. Tell her "Your ears canna stan the strain!"
9. Vulcan Neck Pinch
8. Have an Android made of her then when she
starts speaking tell her to "Shut Up!"
(See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode")
7. Wave Phaser in her face and tell her
you will stun her with it.
6. Use transporter to split her into two seperate
personalities. Phaser Evil Girlfriend and keep
Good Girlfriend.
(See, "The Enemy Within" - TOS episode)
5. Tell her your watching the episode
where Picard gets naked.
4. Ask if she wants to see the Picard Maneuver
3. Try, "Computer - End Program"
2. Tell her she's in violation of the
Prime Directive and she is interfering with
a lesser developed civilization.
1. Borg her.
> The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
>
> 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
> Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
>
> 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
>
> 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
> Enterprise.
>
> 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
> and torture you for information.
>
> 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
> crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
>
> 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
> of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
>
> 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
> that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
>
> 3) You have no life.
>
> 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
>
> 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
> calculated for the planet Vulcan.
>
>
> TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
> - ---------------------------------------------------------
> 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
> 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
> 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
> 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
> 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
> 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
> 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
> 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
> 2. "We brake for cubes!"
> 1. "Wesley On Board!"
>
>
> Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
> "Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
>
> TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD
>
> 20. Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
> 19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
> 18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
> 17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
> 16. Scare blind students in Braille class
> 15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
> 14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
> 13. Footstool for Captain's chair
> 12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
> 11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
> 10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
> 9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
> 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
> research
> 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
> 6. Two words: tether ball
> 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
> 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
> 3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
> 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
> 1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life
> insurance policy
>
>
> SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
>
> 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
> 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium
> and tritanium.
> 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
> excessive thought first
> 4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
> 5. Have figured out the stardate system
> 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
> 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
> 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
> 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The
> Omega Glory"
> 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
> 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
> 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
> 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
> Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
> 14. Understanding Klingon
> 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
> 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
> 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
> dramatic stylistics
> 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
> sequences in ST:TMP
> 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
> 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
>
>
> **20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**
>
> 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
> encountered several times before.
>
> 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
> are all perfectly alright.
>
> 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
>
> 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which
> later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny
> hat.
>
> 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
> which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
> sick-bay.
>
> 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
> people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
> Directive.
>
> 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
> another without a serious incident.
>
> 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
> the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
> bring the right leads.
>
> 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
> faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
> staff.
>
> 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
> which does not put them on trial.
>
> 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
> which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
>
> 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
> everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
> revealed to be exactly what it seems.
>
> 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
> fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
> everyone's satisfaction.
>
> 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
> is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
>
> 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
> and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
>
> 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
> obvious.
>
> 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
> themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
> Wesley Crusher.
>
> 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
> git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
> for a change.
>
> 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
> being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
> sentences that anyone says to him.
>
> 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
>
>
> The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
> - -----------------------------------------------------------------
> 10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
> forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
> 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
> a shuttlecraft
> 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
> 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
> 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
> life-forms
> 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
> Dick Hertz is there
> 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
> REAL Picard Maneuver"
> 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
> Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
> 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it
so"
> 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
> beams back up
AND MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE (which is my own brainchild, thank you very much) ;-)
> TOP TEN QUESTIONS NOT TO POST ON STREK-L
>
> (10) What does NCC stand for?
> (9) How come Chekov could recognize Khan in Star Trek II?
> (8) GET A LIFE!!!
> (7) Have you seen how fat <Character X> is getting?
> (6) Does William Shatner wear a toupee?
> (5) What do you guys think about homosexuality in Trek?
> (4) What's O'Brien's rank?
> (3) Hey guys, let's stop flaming each other.
> (2) Don't you think <Character X> has a great <sexual characteristic X>?
> (1) subscribe strek-l. Can you guys help me get logged on?
From netcom.com!csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.umbc.edu!umbc2.umbc.edu!noel Sat Apr 23 14:24:32 1994
~Xref: netcom.com rec.arts.startrek.misc:37518
Path: netcom.com!csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.umbc.edu!umbc2.umbc.edu!noel
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu (NOEL TOMINACK, ACS 24-HOUR LAB)
~Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc
~Subject: The mother of all top 10 list compilations!
~Date: 18 APR 94 16:43:47 GMT
Organization: University of Maryland Baltimore County
~Lines: 885
Message-ID: <18APR94.16434780@umbc2.umbc.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: umbc2.umbc.edu
~From: chorley@vms.ocom.okstate.edu
~Date: 22-MAR-1993 16:45:59
Description: Re: Lawyers on Star Trek
In article <1993Mar20.235836.20288@midway.uchicago.edu>, thf2@ellis.uchicago.edu (Ted Frank) writes:
Lawyer stuff deleted 'cos I'm a med student
Top ten reasons to have lawyers on Star Trek
10. Defend Riker against sexual harassment charges by Troi
9. Sue Ferengi for patent infringement.
8. Help Trill go through no-fault divorce proceedings ("Why waste money on
unneccessary surgery when I can get rid of that parasite for $69")
[come to think about it, the Trill are perfectly evolved for law, those
gut wrenching little blood suckers]
7. Chase transporter beams which carry Beverley Crusher's wave forms
6. Malpractice, malpractice, malpractice.
5. Civil Rights of one Klingon who was beaten up by a division of Lesser
Antares storm troopers who thought he was high on Gah!
4. Defend Picard who went Warp 3 in an impulse only zone.
3. Give Data the chance to say "Well hello pilgrim" next time he's on the
holodeck.
2. Protect the minority rights of all the species on board, including the
bacteria which are killing you, captain.
And the number one reason there should be lawyers on Star Trek:
They don't require life support systems.
DNC in Ok.
~From: Tech Crasher <T08O@UNB.CA>
~Date: 26-MAR-1993 19:52:24
Description: The Top Ten Secrets of the Enterprise
10. All routine maintenance is done by Oompa-Loompas.
9. Pulaski was sealed in an unused Jeffries Tube by Data when she
insulted him too many times.
8. Riker's parents were Nazis. His initial "T" is for "Third" (Get
it?)
7. Troi starts all counselling sessions with males asking "So is
that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?
6. Before joining Starfleet, Picard was a Chippendale's dancer.
5. "Worf" is Klingon for "pinhead".
4. Riker amuses himself by signing all reports "F. Off." (For first
officer, twit)
3. Geordi is taking a shuttle apart and mailing it home piece by
piece.
2. Picard is Wesley's father.
And the #1 Secret,
1. Due to a time-travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father.
~From: Tech Crasher <T08O@UNB.CA>
~Date: 26-MAR-1993 20:05:23
Description: The Top Ten non-sayings on the Enterprise
The Top Ten Things You're Not About To Hear on The Enterprise (By
the way, this and the Top 10 Secrets of the Enterprise were
originally written for ERTW (Engineers Rule The World) at the
University of New Brunswick)
10. "No, please, Data, go on. I find your list of synonyms fo
'extinct' facinating..."
9. "Good work, Counsellor. If you hadn't told us those aliens had
hostile intent, we would have been completely fooled by their plan."
8. "Jean-Luc, since the ship is in no danger at all and we're not
about to die, I want to tell you..."
7. "The...doohickey...has gone all...funny, making that gizmo light
up...the one that means the warp engines are...ya know...all messed
up."
6. "Captain's Log, Stardate...damn. What's the date? Number One,
what's today? No, I know it's Tuesday, what's the date? The
STARdate!"
5. "Tea, Lemon Zinger, iced."
4. "Klingons do NOT wear frilly underwear...at least not on duty."
3. "Prime Directive? We don't need no steenkin' Prime Directive!"
2. "The aliens are locking their weapons on us...firing...a miss.
Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can laugh in their faces?"
And the number one thing not likely to be heard on the Enterprise:
1. "Ah, hell, I'm bored. Screw the hailing frequencies, fire at
will."
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 29-MAR-1993 21:42:03
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
TOP 10 LEAST KNOWN FERENGI RULES OF ACQUISITION
10. If a sign says 'buy one, get one free' only get the free one
9. Always give the pizza guy bad directions to your house so you can
get it for free if he is late
8. Unless something is damaged, its in "mint" condition
7. If it is damaged, then its "near mint"
6. If there is a limit per customer, bring a freind and come back
every 10 minutes to buy more
5. Its cheaper to bribe a stock boy than the manager
4. Consequences schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich
3. No matter what you steal from the Federation, the Romulains will
always pay top dollar for it
2. Only sell to civilizations dumber than you are
and the number one least known Ferengi rule of acquisition
1. All those rules apply to other people--not you
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 7-APR-1993 02:09:44
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
Sorry for missing the last few weeks, I have been creatively sapped.
Anyway, from the home office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you:
TOP 10 THINGS THEY SHOULD'VE PUT IN 'STARSHIP MINE'
10. An ops station on the base with a snotty Starfleet officer insisting
he is in charge and nothing is wrong
9. A group of Romulain Commandos sneaking aboard to steal technology
fighting the theives and Picard get caught in the middle
8. Two words: Alan Rickman
7. Picard get his shirt torn like Kirk used to
6. Data put the two terrorists to sleep with small talk
5. Picard get an antique Uzi from some other security officer's quarters
4. What happens when somone actually gets hit with that sweep
3. The lead female ask Picard "What are you, some kind of cowboy?"
2. Data using his superior strength and speed to knock out both
terrorists before Riker hit the floor
and the number one thing they should've put in "Starship Mine"
1. At least one of them escape so they can use this plot for DS9
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 8-MAR-1993 17:31:31
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
TOP 10 WORST SPIN-OFFS OF DEEP SPACE NINE
10. "Deep Space Simpsons" The direct Descendent of Homer J. Simpson has
managed to get a job being some low-level engineer. His daughter is
intelligent and pines for Dr. Bashir. Bart causes so much trouble it
makes Nog look good by comparison.
9. "Deep Space Mayberry" Sheriff Andy Taylor takes over the space station
bringing along his son Opey. Odo replaced by Don Knotts, Quark becomes a
barber. Its really something to see Andy talk down the Cardassians with
that homey charm and Aunt Bea's cooking
8. "Deep Space with David Letterman" David Letterman comes to Deep Space
Nine and interviews all kinds of people in his own special way. Tonight:
Stupid Odo Tricks
7. "Bejorran Vice" Two Federation officers go undercover to handle some of
the problems in Bejor's government. Lots of phaser fire, ship chase
scenes, and the feeling of watching 24th Century MTV
6. "Deep Space 90210" A group of diverse high-school kids growing up and
facing reality on the space station
5. "Three's Company DSN" Due to a shortage of living quarters, Dr. Bashir
must move in with Kira and Dax. Rumors are Nana Vistor will be replaced
by Terri Garr soon
4. "Bejorran Hillbillies" A deposit of valuable minirals the Cardassians
missed brings sudden wealth to Kai Granny, Surmak Jed, Surmak Jethro and
Eillie Mae. The clan decides to pack up and move to Deep Space Nine
(Will also tie-in with "Babylon Acres")
3. "Deep Space Blues" A close-up look at the lives of the people who are
the security for Deep Space Nine under Odo. In the works is a companion
show about the sickbay called "Kai Elsewhere"
2. "9 to 5" A Babylon 5/Deep Space Nine crossover series as seen by a
low-level Bejorran clerical worker
And the number one worst Deep Space Nine Spinoff
1. "Surmak Ren and Stimpy" A cartoon about the adventures about the Bejorran
Director of Medicine and viral expert--and Stimpy his cat
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 16-MAR-1993 14:18:43
Description: A silly Top 10 List
Sorry for the delay, but I was one of the many caught in that
blizzard of 1993. Anyway, from the home office in snow-covered Arbutus
Maryland, we bring you:
TOP 10 TREK ACTIVITIES YOU CAN DO IN A BLIZZARD
10. Get a freind and re-enact the scenes with Geordi and the Romulain
from the episode they are stranded on a planet
9. Shut off your heat and pretend you are in the Enterprise during
"The Last Outpost"
8. Drive in the worst of it prentending you are in a Federation
runabout going through the wormhole
7. Dig your "runabout" out of "celestial temple" that looks a lot like
a snowdrift
6. Shovel your sidewalk while singing the Klingon Battle song from
"The Birthright, part II" (lots of fun if neighbors can hear you)
5. Two words: Snow Aliens
4. Every now and then while walking outside just yell "Q! This is NOT
amusing!" or "Computer, end program!"
3. Keep warm inside by watching "The Final Mission" and "The Inner Light"
2. Call your local station to complain about them interrputing TNG or
DS9 for those annoying severe blizzard warnings
and the number one Trek-related blizzard activity
1. Read the newsgroups and get warm from all the flamewars
~From: ejo@kaja.gi.alaska.edu (Eric J. Olson)
~Date: 3-MAY-1993 03:05:19
Description: that was a good episode of Star Trek
Top Ten Pros about that episode:
10. Klingons, Romulans, Cardassians, oh my!
9. Space battle!
8. Implausible explanations of advanced technology
7. Planet (biosphere) destroyed
6. Tricorder modified by program millions of years old
5. Cheesy planet set reminiscent of original series
4. New alien race
3. No appearances by cast of original series
2. Data armwrestles a Klingon
...
1. No Wesley cameo!
Top Ten Cons with it:
10. Riker didn't get laid
9. Another damn God-figure
8. No Vulcans
7. Moral
6. No gigantic explosions
5. Disruptor fire was off-screen
4. Cardassian touched by "parent race"'s message
3. No incredible new technology
2. Humans quietly solve puzzle while everyone else quibbles
...
1. Picard practices archaeology
Eric Olson <ejo@kaja.gi.alaska.edu>
"...Like, when people ask you what 'Relax' was about, when it first
came out we used to pretend it was about motivation, and really it was
about shagging." --Mark O'Toole of Frankie Goes to Hollywood
~From: gt6539a@prism.gatech.EDU (SuperQman )
~Date: 4-MAY-1993 02:38:18
Description: Re: A Silly Top 10 List
Ok, Let's pour on the lists! Barclay: INCOMING!
What if the Borg assimilated the Nanite culture (they are an intelligent
life form packing lots of tech, the Borg should be interested).
Ten results:
10 Borg ships the size of softballs.
9 Borg ships with the power output of a 30W light bulb.
8 Borg assimilation of tricorders and hand phasers becomes a real
annoyance for Starfleet.
7 Borg get massacred by Packleds.
6 Ferengi discover that a trash can with a Borg cube in the bottom
never has to be emptied.
5 Borg endangered by felines playing with their cubes.
4 The Borg scout cubes are found to be the advance over the Swiss Army
knife that the Boy Scout knife wasn't.
3 Borg cubes make a great substitute for bricks.
2 Borg space heaters.
1 Borg Hockey!
--
{*****************************************************************************}
{ "Q! I knew you were on my side all along!" -Q in error }
{*****************************************************************************}
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 3-MAY-1993 20:39:37
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
Yes, just when you thought it was totally dead. Well, from the home
office in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you:
TOP 10 THINGS WE REALLY WANTED TO SEE IN 'THE CHASE'
10. Eric Luenville come in at any point and start off by saying
"Dr. Auschlander..."
9. Picard drop that relic (or throw it in a fit of rage)
8. Worf just smile smugly when the Iridian ship blew up and say "oops"
7. Riker hit on that Cardassian Captain
6. Picard roll metal balls in his hand when Crusher and Troi were talking to
him
5. Two words: The Borg
4. More interaction between Data and the Klingon Captian
3. The Romulain away team being led by Sela, just so we can see her
screw up again
2. After the message playing, everyone who saw it saying in unison "That's
it?"
and the number one thing we would've liked to see in "The Chase"
1. Right after the message, the sound of a Ferengi saying "D'oh!" from
behind a rock
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 27-MAY-1993 16:02:38
Description: A Silly Top 10 List
Well its been a while but I thought I would get a list off before
everyone went home for the summer. So from the home office in Arbutus
Maryland, we bring you:
TOP 10 CHANGES TO STAR TREK NOW THAT CHEERS IS OVER
10. The next Vulcan to appear will be Savvik
9. Data recreating the Cheers set in the holodeck every chance he can
to learn how to interact with drinking humans
8. Ted Danson will become Guinan's assistant in Ten Forward
7. "Morn" on DS9 now played by George Wendt
6. John Ratzenberger finds the only role that even comes close to his
Cliff Clavin character--A Starfleet Admiral
5. More appearances of the USS Bozeman and its Captain
4. Good news: We finally get to see a Ferengi female
Bad News: Its Rhea Pearlman
3. The Pakled leader turns out to be Woody Boyd
2. Deanna Troi replaced by Lillith
and the number one change to Star Trek now that Cheers is over
1. The Deep Space Nine theme song now played on Piccolo and Paino
~From: drue@citi.umich.edu (Chris Tanis)
~Date: 29-JUN-1993 14:32:36
Description: Silly List Aging Enterprise
TOP 21 Signs That the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty
-------------------------------------------------------------------
21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of
warp coil now held up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginnig with "w".
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through
squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side
become to steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten
thousand care bears.
9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni
and cheese.
8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7: Bug in main computer speech proccessor: computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's
shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5: Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with
Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty
please, with sugar on it."
3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and
loses access to nude volleyball program.
2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
--
___
(o o)
--ooO-(_)-Ooo--
Retreat is not defeat, Criticism is not conclusive, Failure is not final.
~From: drue@citi.umich.edu (Chris Tanis)
~Date: 29-JUN-1993 14:34:45
Description: Silly List Bush Capt'ns Enterprise
Top Ten Changes with Bush as Captain of the Enterprise
------------------------------------------------------
10. Millie eats spot.
9. Converts Deep Space Nine to golf course. Renamed to the "Dan
Quayle Nines."
8. Everyone loves Barbara, so she replaces Guinan at the bar.
7. Bush remarks that if his second-in-command were as capable as
Riker he would have won that election.
6. Owl crossed with tribble. Now Bush is really "up to his neck in
spotted owls!"
5. Computer's classical music selections replaced with the Oakridge Boys.
4. Riker keeps nickname of "Number One," but Captain Bush refers to
Geordi and Worf as the "little brown ones."
3. In his never-ending quest for humor, Data discovers Dana Carvey.
Data is immediately transfered to DS9!
2. Bush keeps calling Wesley "Danny" for some reason.
1. Too many confusing stars on the viewscreen. A filter is
installed to show only a thousand points of light!
Jason Zarin (author of list? I don't know, but his name is at the
bottom of this one)
--
___
(o o)
--ooO-(_)-Ooo--
Retreat is not defeat, Criticism is not conclusive, Failure is not final.
~From: drue@citi.umich.edu (Chris Tanis)
~Date: 29-JUN-1993 14:55:00
Description: Silly List Clinton on Enterprise
Top Ten Plot Twists in the "Clinton on the Enterprise" Episode
--------------------------------------------------------------
10. Bill is watching "Hee Haw" and discussing his experiences as a
Rhodes scholar with some friends. The fabric of the universe can't
take this juxtiposition of the idiotic with the intelligent and Bill
is technobabbly transported to the Enterprise.
9. Picard is stunned into utter speechlessness by Clinton's hair.
8. Shares "war stories" with Riker. ie. "And then her husband
walked in!"
7. Thanks to replicator, all food is FAST food! Clinton's in hog heaven!
6. Dr. Crusher politely tells Bill, "with our medical technology, we
can correct that overbite."
5. Clinton learns from Star Fleet how to eliminate the US budget
deficit -- get rid of money!
4. Bill & Will save Enterprise from hostile aliens by playing a rather bad
duet on Sax and Trombone.
3. Advances in genetic engineering can eliminate problems from
inbreeding. Clinton brings the technology home to Arkansas and
becomes a hero!
2. Clinton makes the transporter an intregal part of his universal
health care plan.
1. As he leaves the Enterprise, Clinton closes his goodbye with "I
still belive in a place called Hope." Data responds with, "There are
exactly 143,452 settlements with that name in the geographical records."
--
___
(o o)
--ooO-(_)-Ooo--
Retreat is not defeat, Criticism is not conclusive, Failure is not final.
~From: drue@citi.umich.edu (Chris Tanis)
~Date: 29-JUN-1993 14:56:56
Description: Silly List Plots for Sixth Season
Top Ten new / unused plot lines for upcoming sixth season episodes of ST:TNG:
10.) Season opener: Picard and crew chase after Data now riding horseback
through Sleepy Hollow.
9.) Wesley visits the Enterprise from the Academy: Since his Colbert-star
fiasco he "can't get dates".
8.) Food replicators malfunction - the only working pattern is for "spam"
(Incidents of cannibalism break out throughout the ship).
7.) Alexander follows Worf around the ship with a pot, banging him on the
head yelling, "Not the mama! Not the mama!".
6.) Riker put on trial for violating the Prime Directive when it is learned
he taught the J'nai to play "strip poker".
5.) The Borg invade Starfleet's Central Information Net. Data divises a
plan to announce that a public XXX ftp site is up at borg.starfleet.hq:
the Borg are brought to a halt in minutes.
4.) Troi's mother visits the Enterprise. Complains that there isn't
a good nurse to be found.
3.) A freak wormhole blasts Montgomery Scott to the 24th century, and
robs Geordi's prosthetic vision. Scotty later restores Geordi's
vision when he realizes he put on a barette by mistake.
2.) Alexander is made an acting ensign.
1.) Tribbles!
belfiore@aer.com
--
___
(o o)
--ooO-(_)-Ooo--
Retreat is not defeat, Criticism is not conclusive, Failure is not final.
~From: msmallwo@vdoe386.vak12ed.edu (M. Lee Smallwood)
~Date: 29-JUN-1993 19:36:31
Description: Top Ten changes in the E with Rush Limbaugh as Captain
With all these Top 10 lists circulating, I thought that I'd add
one:
TOP TEN CHANGES IN ENTERPRISE WITH RUSH LIMBAUGH AS CAPTAIN
===========================================================
10) Main viewscreen replaced with four little monitors
surrounded by books.
9) Prime Directive speeches replaced with speeches on the evils
of taxation.
8) Snapple suddenly becomes the only drink available in the
replicators.
7) Rescue mission to Taloris 7 halted to make a trip to a bake
sale in Colorado.
6) Computer chirp suddenly replaced with Rush's laugh (changed
back two days later after entire crew goes insane).
5) All records on William Clinton suddenly vanish from the
computer.
4) Senior staff meetings replaced by half hour long shows.
3) Fish in ready room replaced by giant elephant.
2) All subspace transmissions must now be routed through
1-800-EAT-MINT.
1) Red alert warning replaced by sound of chain saw cutting
through trees.
(it may not be great, but this is my very first attempt at a
top ten list, so have mercy...)
---
LL EEEEEEE EEEEEEE -- "Captain" Rush Limbaugh Fan Club
LL EE EE -- WTR/TR/JTK Fan Club
LL EEEE EEEE -- Nog Fan Club
LL EE EE -- Howard J. Smiltner Fan Club
LLLLLLL EEEEEEE EEEEEEE -- Jonathan Frakes Follower
~From: drue@citi.umich.edu (Chris Tanis)
~Date: 30-JUN-1993 12:44:32
Description: Silly List Starship Mine
TOP 10 THINGS THEY SHOULD'VE PUT IN 'STARSHIP MINE'
10. An ops station on the base with a snotty Starfleet officer insisting
he is in charge and nothing is wrong
9. A group of Romulan Commandos sneaking aboard to steal technology
fighting the thieves and Picard gets caught in the middle
8. Two words: Alan Rickman
7. Picard gets his shirt torn like Kirk used to
6. Data puts the two terrorists to sleep with small talk
5. Picard gets an antique Uzi from some other security officer's quarters
4. What happens when somone actually gets hit with that sweep?
3. The lead female asks Picard "What are you, some kind of cowboy?"
2. Data uses his superior strength and speed to knock out both
terrorists before Riker hits the floor
and the number one thing they should've put in "Starship Mine"
1. At least one terrorist escapes so they can use this plot for DS9
--
___
(o o)
--ooO-(_)-Ooo--
Retreat is not defeat, Criticism is not conclusive, Failure is not final.
~From: d_pilato@vssi.trw.com (Dean C. Pilato)
~Date: 5-AUG-1993 17:54:40
Description: Top 10 reasons Federation will fail
Top 10 reasons why the Federation will never win
================================================================================
10) The Prime Directive.
9) They spend all of their time designing uniforms.
8) These new troublesome aliens keep popping up.
7) No Indian or Chineese engineers on board.
6) Still haven't designed a decent shuttle craft.
5) People like Jean-Luc insist on playing by the rules.
4) Worf never gets to win a fight.
3) They have thousands of people on board their starships, but only the bridge
crew knows how to do anything.
2) Picard had to go and tick off the Q.
1) The Klingons have ALWAYS had better looking ships.
~From: CXMP <CXMP@MUSICA.MCGILL.CA>
~Date: 24-AUG-1993 18:56:01
Description: RE: Star Trek humor (old jokes)
In article <CC7xAJ.Gs4@cs.dal.ca> harold@Drizzle.ATM.Dal.Ca (Harold Reynolds) writes:
>The following appeared recently in rec.humor and I thought it would be appro-
>priate to repost here. If not, well I tried. This group needs more humor!
Sorry Harold, the charter for this group does specifically forbid the
posting of anything that isn't deadly serious.
Not.
That being the case, I'll play along -- but just this once!
TOP TEN WAYS PARAMOUNT COULD INVITE A LAWSUIT
10) Geordi is given the nick-name "One-eye".
9) Worf acquires retractible claws.
8) Picard acquires a taste for Jelly Babies.
7) Wesley returns to the Enterprise as a fully qualified doctor.
6) After dying at the end of a cliffhanger episode, Riker appears
in Troi's sonic shower.
5) Kirk is found frozen in a shuttlecraft.
4) The console in Picard's ready room self distructs five seconds
after the Admiral wishes him good luck on his mission.
3) The Cardassians build a base the size and shape of a moon.
2) A Bajoran religious leader preaches about the Force.
and the number one way that Paramount could invite a lawsuit is
1) A hostile creature emerges from a crewman's stomach.
Martin Phipps aka Deja Dude The CeLiNeFan
Don't Worry! Be shallow!
~From: d_pilato@vssi.trw.com (Dean C. Pilato)
~Date: 2-SEP-1993 14:49:26
Description: What we'd like to see on TNG: part DEUX!
Allright, if you're tired of these this will be my *last* one. Promise!
Top ten things we'd like to see on TNG -- part deux!
====================================================
10) The Enterprise gets a Tellarite (blue skin & antennae, remember?) bridge
crew member.
9) We finally find out what happened to those purple crab critter / invaders
from the episode (?) years back.
8) Denise Crosby is cloned from a cell of her tissue by the Klingons into a
Klingon version of Tasha Yar. She then declares war on her other selves.
7) Picard gets ticked off and blows a Cardassian warship out of space.
6) Riker in dreadlocks.
5) Starfleet issues an order that future doctors will not go by scary names
like Bones and Crusher.
4) The crew believes that Worf, now sporting traditional Klingon garb, is
returing to his people, only to find he has joined a rock group.
3) Scotty, putting off his retirement for another century, butts heads
with Q, drinks him under the table, and makes Q lead him to his
pot o' gold.
2) Kahn, reborn 70 years after his death by a mysteriously delayed Genesis
effect, attracts a new group of malcontents from Berkeley, Calif.,
and steals the Federation starships Aries, Daytona, and Duster.
1) Wesley Crusher, after being briefly kidnapped by the Borg, is transported
unscathed onto the Enterprise bridge after the Borg determine that
there are aspects to the human race they do not wish to assimilate.
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu
~Date: 14-SEP-1993 17:24:20
Description: A SIlly Top 10 List
Well, its been a while but I think I am up to making more Silly
Top 10 Lists. Anyway, with the recent merger between Paramount and Viacom,
I began thinking of what it means to Star Trek. So, from the home office
in Arbutus Maryland, we bring you...
TOP 10 CHANGES NOW THAT PARAMOUNT AND VIACOM HAVE MERGED
10. Ferengi lining up around the block to buy commercial time on
Nickelodeon, MTV, and the USA Network.
9. Odo now an obstacle in "Super Sloppy Double Dare"
8. The Borg will assimilate VH-1
7. Wesley Crusher releived that all the hostility towards him has
been redirected towards Acting Ensign Clarissa
6. Deanna Troi replaced with Rhonda Shear
5. Since Paramount theme parks have Klingons, Nickelodeon theme parks
will have Cardassians
4. Worf now hosts "Headbanger's Ball" on MTV
3. Theme song to DS9 now done by Stone Temple Pilots
2. Jake and Nog become MTV veejays
and the number one change now that Paramount and Viacom have merged:
1. Ensign Beavis & Ensign Butthead
From netcom.com!csus.edu!decwrl!ames!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.umbc.edu!umbc2.umbc.edu!noel Sat Apr 23 14:24:56 1994
~Xref: netcom.com rec.arts.startrek.misc:37517
Path: netcom.com!csus.edu!decwrl!ames!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.umbc.edu!umbc2.umbc.edu!noel
~From: noel@umbc2.umbc.edu (NOEL TOMINACK, ACS 24-HOUR LAB)
~Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc
~Subject: You want some Top 10 lists--here's more!
~Date: 18 APR 94 16:43:16 GMT
Organization: University of Maryland Baltimore County
~Lines: 65
Message-ID: <18APR94.16431698@umbc2.umbc.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: umbc2.umbc.edu
~From: jzarin@jade.tufts.edu (The Zarinator)
~Date: 20-JAN-1993 03:41:05
Description: The Top Ten List is Back!!!
Guaranteed Spoiler Free!
Hello again! I was away on Winter Break for the last few weeks, so
the Top Ten List was on hiatus. But now it's back! Unfortunately,
new episodes of Star Trek are not. It's "Rascals" again. The
episode so nice, they've shown it twice!
Now that George Bush is unemployed, he needs a new job. Fortunately,
since Picard is planning on leaving the Enterprise, there is a job
opening. So from the TA office in rainy, soggy Los Angeles ....
Top Ten Changes with Bush as Captain of the Enterprise
------------------------------------------------------
10. Millie eats spot.
9. Converts Deep Space Nine to golf course. Renamed to the "Dan
Quayle Nines."
8. Everyone loves Barbara, so she replaces Guinan at the bar.
7. Bush remarks that if his second-in-command were as capable as
Riker he would have won that election.
6. Owl crossed with tribble. Now Bush is really "up to his neck in
spotted owls!"
5. Computer's classical music selections replaced with the Oakridge Boys.
4. Riker keeps nickname of "Number One," but Captain Bush refers to
Geordi and Worf as the "little brown ones."
3. In his never-ending quest for humor, Data discovers Dana Carvey.
Data is immediately transfered to DS9!
2. Bush keeps calling Wesley "Danny" for some reason.
1. Too many confusing stars on the viewscreen. A filter is
installed to show only a thousand points of light!
Next week: Haven't we already seen this episode?
------
Top Ten List #13!
It's funnier than Al Gore and shorter than a Clinton speech! It's the
complete Top Ten List collection! Order your copy from the "Top Ten
List-o-matic!" Just send mail to "jzarin@jade.tufts.edu" with "gimmie"
as the subject. The List-o-matic will automatically mail the lists to you.
For other mail send to "zarin@econ.sscnet.ucla.edu."
_____..---======+*+=======---.._____
___________________ __,-='=====____ ============== _____=====`=
(.__________________I__) - _-=_/ `------=+=-------'
/ /__...---==='---+---_' Gabriel Caffrey
'----'---.___ - _ = _.-' trekman@netcom.com
`-------'
"Fate protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise."
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